Hold on to yourself

Hold on
Now that Dad is gone, I really miss him.  I’m sure he doesn’t miss his life with dementia. 

Hold on to yourself
What I miss most is his greeting, first thing in the morning.  He always had a smile on his face.  I really appreciated that about Dad. 

for this is gonna hurt like hell
The hardest part is dealing with the grief.  Hardest because I know without a doubt that he is happy now and in a better place.  Hardest because my heart doesn’t understand what my head knows.  It’s difficult to connect the two.  I keep waiting for the dream from Dad that will set me free from all this grief.  My friends tell me it’s time to go to counseling.  I know.  I know.  I will…eventually. 

Hold on
In a weird way, I feel like I should know how to deal with grief.  I’ve read so many books about it.  Kubler-Ross,  The five stages of Grief.  But somehow, I can’t remember any of it.  I know in some way blogging about it will do me an enormous amount of good (therapy wise).  I think I’m stuck somewhere between denial and acceptance.

Hold on to yourself
I aways wonder when I come to a time, when I have a difficulty accepting something, if this is when I’m going to take up drinking?  Or perhaps if this would be a good time to take up a drug habit. 

you know that only time will tell
But instead, I become more rigid, less flexible. 

What is it in me that refuses to believe
I think one of the first things I’m going to start to do, is start riding my bike to work and to the shop.  That might be a move in the right direction.  My Aunt Carol, bikes everywhere and even participates in bike marathons.  And she is up in years now.  It’s truly amazing what she has done.  I think that biking might be a good hobby for me to take up at this time in my life.

this isn’t easier than the real thing
I will remember you Dad, and I hope you will remember me.  You will always be my hero.  And a light to follow, in a dark place.

Many Thanks to Sara McLaughlin for the use of the words of her song “Hold On”.

So Beat It, Just Beat It!

They Told Him Don’t You Ever Come Around Here
So To Day, I decided it was time to start blogging again.  I know, I know you’re really relieved.  What changed my mind?  I think I turned a corner.  A while back I was going through a lot of grief with my family and I think I just really worked myself through all that emotional crap.  I moved out of my DS’s house.  That was a pretty unpleasant experience.  But I made it though it and it even looks right now like I’m going to make it to the other side.  Well let’s hope so. 

Don’t Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear
The most recent news that’s been happening to me of late is that my Dad, you know my Dad with

Dad can't sit up. DB is supporting Dad with his Body. While DS is taking Dad's temp.

Alzheimer’s Disorder (AD) is back in the hospital with pneumonia and a very bad UTI.  Of course UTI are known to make senior citizen’s very disoriented and appear really out of it.  Dad was all of these things.  But with a few days of antibiotics, he was back to his old self.  Now he’s keeping the staff at the hospital busy chasing him around all night until of course he is moved to a nursing home.   Which should happen in a day or two.  We’re all torn up about the decision, especially my DS, who is charged with the care of dad.  But it truly is time.  The family has gotten to a point where they cannot function and take care of Dad as well.  Mostly because we need to sleep at night and we not addicted to dysfunctional behavior.  At least not all of us.  But that’s another blog, as they say. 

The Fire’s In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
We’re all worried about how Dad will take the move.  Dad is nearly at a place where he won’t notice.  Where he currently lives most of the time he is in a dream world; where occasionally we the members of our family step in and out of the dream where Dad lives.  Dad sees people who aren’t there, he’ll tap you on the shoulder half expecting his hand to go right through you, like the midst he’s living in currently.  When you acknowledge his touch, Dad will smile with a surprised laugh.    And then he’ll start talking to someone who is not there.  It’s sad really, Dad can be so animated, that it’s hard to believe he is so ill.  But we know that he is very ill with AD.  And we all pray, in our own way, that the cure for AD is right around the corner.  Deep Breath…

So Beat It, Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
So tomorrow this time, there is a really good chance that Dad will be placed in a nursing home (Hopefully, not too far from where I live ((fingers crossed))).   So be a dear and keep your fingers crossed for our family that we make it through this next very painful step we’re in the midst of taking.  A few prayers would be welcomed as well. 

You Better Run, You Better Do What You Can
What’s been going on with me?  Well, glad you asked.  I’ve been working in a call center in the evenings.  It’s a nice job if you’re not looking for a challenge.  Truthfully, I’m just happy to be working!!!!  I’ve made a few good friends where I work.  The things that connect us are, our ages, our trials, and our tribulations.  We hang out at break time.  Just a short fifteen minute break.  Where we bring a snack, and share a few insights, laugh at each other and what not.  We’re all women between the ages of 50 and 65 years of age.  And there’s one guy in the same age group whom I’ve decided is studying us for a new docudrama he’s dreaming up.  He finds the way we relate to each other interesting.  huh.  That’s a new one.  Most times, middle age women just fade into the wood work.  So we’re all very amused with our audience. 

Don’t Wanna See No Blood, Don’t Be A Macho Man
Where  I work, most of the call center floor is filled with kids between ages 17 and 25 years of age.  My group of friends are dinosaurs compared to these kids.  But like cream, we all rose to the top of the call center numbers, and we dominate the top numbers.  All of us in my group we’re caught off guard by our current “recession/depression” depending on how you see it.  We all have carried respectable jobs in real industries in the past and find ourselves irreverent to the current job market.  So now we’re all working in the call center industry currently until the job market opens up again

You Wanna Be Tough, Better Do What You Can
What will I do next?  I dunno, but if there’s an open position for beach bum, I’m all over it!!    But I’ll probably go back to being a program manager for a local company in Kennedy Space Center, if I’m lucky.   What happened to my nursing dreams?  Well, I started working in a corporation again, and I’m reminded how much I loved my old job of Marketing Program Manager.  I think I’ll expand my skill set to include engineering program management by taking some new classes.  And I think I’ll return to my first love.  At least for the time being until the world ends in 2012.  (That’s a joke, don’t cha know.)  No, the worlds not going to end in 2012, but the polar axis just might shift.  We’ll see if there is any significance to that date at all.  Mother Earth is going through a change and it won’t hurt if you are prepared for a change of surroundings. 

So Beat It, But You Wanna Be Bad
There is sooo much I want to share with you about what’s been going on in my life.  So many words, so little time.  I promise to fill you in as we move through time.  Wishing you well on your journey. 

Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
No One Wants To Be Defeated
Showin’ How Funky Strong Is Your Fight
It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It

Many Thanks to MJ for the use of his lyrics to “Beat It“.