Hold on to yourself

Hold on
Now that Dad is gone, I really miss him.  I’m sure he doesn’t miss his life with dementia. 

Hold on to yourself
What I miss most is his greeting, first thing in the morning.  He always had a smile on his face.  I really appreciated that about Dad. 

for this is gonna hurt like hell
The hardest part is dealing with the grief.  Hardest because I know without a doubt that he is happy now and in a better place.  Hardest because my heart doesn’t understand what my head knows.  It’s difficult to connect the two.  I keep waiting for the dream from Dad that will set me free from all this grief.  My friends tell me it’s time to go to counseling.  I know.  I know.  I will…eventually. 

Hold on
In a weird way, I feel like I should know how to deal with grief.  I’ve read so many books about it.  Kubler-Ross,  The five stages of Grief.  But somehow, I can’t remember any of it.  I know in some way blogging about it will do me an enormous amount of good (therapy wise).  I think I’m stuck somewhere between denial and acceptance.

Hold on to yourself
I aways wonder when I come to a time, when I have a difficulty accepting something, if this is when I’m going to take up drinking?  Or perhaps if this would be a good time to take up a drug habit. 

you know that only time will tell
But instead, I become more rigid, less flexible. 

What is it in me that refuses to believe
I think one of the first things I’m going to start to do, is start riding my bike to work and to the shop.  That might be a move in the right direction.  My Aunt Carol, bikes everywhere and even participates in bike marathons.  And she is up in years now.  It’s truly amazing what she has done.  I think that biking might be a good hobby for me to take up at this time in my life.

this isn’t easier than the real thing
I will remember you Dad, and I hope you will remember me.  You will always be my hero.  And a light to follow, in a dark place.

Many Thanks to Sara McLaughlin for the use of the words of her song “Hold On”.

Richard W. Nield (RIP 6-26-10)

This is the eulogy from my Father’s funeral in the church where he was raised in Westchester, IL.  This text was a combined effort of his children.

My Father, Richard Walter Nield, born to Margaret and Edward Nield on August 13, 1932.  Dad was survived by his two sisters:  Dorothy Prack and Pat LaRocca and his two brothers: Robert and Edward Nield, as well as his four children Sharon Robbins, Kathleen Kiesel-Nield, Colleen Lee and Kevin Nield, and his three grandchildren:  David, Erin and Brody Ellis; and lastly his companion and dog Caitlyn. 

After Dad returned from serving in the Korean War, He eloped with Mary Ann Dolan, his childhood sweetheart, on January 24, 1956.  After they married they lived with each of their parents.   In the next 22 months, they had their first two children, Sharon and Kathleen.

Some time later my parents purchased their first home in Romeoville.  In the next 22 months, they had their first two children, Sharon and Kathleen.  During this time Dad was active with the Democratic Party and worked actively on the presidential campaign for John F. Kennedy. 

Additionally, Dad ran “unsuccessful” on the Democratic ticket for county auditor in his local district.  We smiled in a whimsical way at seeing those pictures of “Elect Nield” in our family pictures.

Soon two more little bundles of joy arrived each in their own time frame; Colleen and Kevin.  It was at this point Mom and Dad decided they needed a larger home to accommodate their growing family.  After what seemed an eternity, and several Novinas on the part of our Mother, Mary Anne, Mom and Dad happened upon a house in Lemont that they both loved.   It was a perfect place to raise their family and at the right price.  The house in Lemont was a beautiful older craftsman home that needed a lot of work (electrical, new furnace, new flooring) and with the help of his brothers my Dad was able to fix it up. 

Dad was a hard worker in a city that worked, Chicago.  He worked for Quaker Oats, Westinghouse, and others.  He started as an accountant and often talked about the test he took to get hired initially as a manager.  Dad also talked about the process of making oatmeal at Quaker Oats.  I can remember Dad working on computers when computers were just beginning.  He would take us to work on the weekends to see computers that were a block long.  He showed us how we could type a series of keystrokes that would spit out a card that would be gathered together and put into a computer to form a sentence.   It was really cool and fun!  Dad traveled to work in Downtown Chicago everyday, and he traveled a lot for work.  I can remember our family trips during the summer to California, where we all drove with our pets across the country.  There are some great memories of dogs almost falling into the Grand Canyon, and checking into a Bakersfield hotel and after unpacking and getting into bed seeing the room move with bugs only to pack up that night and get back on the road, standing outside the casinos while Mom and Dad gambled, seeing the Grand Canyon and San Francisco, eating shrimp cocktails on the San Francisco warf, and watching Colleen catch a box of lizards in the apartment where we stayed and used them to scare Mom. 

Dad was an entrepreneur in many senses; he was always there to help.  He often did taxes for people in Lemont and Romeoville, and mostly only charged them to do the taxes if they got a refund. 

In Dad’s mid 40’s he and my mother joined the local Alyesford Prayer Community and was baptized in the Holy Spirit in approximately 1980.  The event renewed his faith in God and the Catholic Church.  Soon after, they became a 3rd order Carmelite affiliate with the Aylesford Community in Darien.  Sometime over the next 19 years Dad and Mom traveled overseas to Europe and the Holy Land with the Aylesford Community. 

Dad formed his own successful accounting business in 1980.  He was contracted to Computer Science Corp, SAIC and others.  

In 2000, Dad worked with my brother-in-law Eric at All Nation Mortgage.  He was a great people person and really enjoyed helping people with their mortgages.  It was at this time that we began to see the signs of memory issues, although Mom had been aware there was a problem for a time.

Shortly after my Mother passed away in 2005, Dad moved to Florida to live with Colleen and her husband Eric.  Dad enjoyed Florida; especially the warm weather.  He spent many of his days at a senior center where he sang, danced , participated in arts and crafts, read stories to the preschool children next door.  He went to the beach and would swim out to what seemed too far without any fear.  We went on a cruise to the Bahamas for a family vacation as well. 

In time, I (Sharon) joined Colleen and Eric in Florida to help care for Dad.  While my son Brody moved in with his Father in California.  The first year I was in Florida I became a hospice volunteer and took my Dad’s dog Caitlyn to be trained as a therapy dog. 

At the end of Dad’s early life, Dad passed away in Colleen’s Florida home surrounded with most of his family by his side.  He was comfortably cared for by hospice so his passing was very peaceful.  He was strong and relatively active up until last November ’09, when complications with his health started his decline.  Everyone who met him said that he a  character, strong-willed, a gentleman and always had a great story or two to tell. 

 Dad is the one I thank for giving me the courage to move forward with my life.  His death has taught me such valuable lessons.  I suppose the irony is that his death taught me about life.  I’ve come to depend on my Dad, but in the last two years I’ve leaned to draw upon the inner strength he instilled in me.  I suppose it’s silly to think he is smiling down on me now but I do.

So Beat It, Just Beat It!

They Told Him Don’t You Ever Come Around Here
So To Day, I decided it was time to start blogging again.  I know, I know you’re really relieved.  What changed my mind?  I think I turned a corner.  A while back I was going through a lot of grief with my family and I think I just really worked myself through all that emotional crap.  I moved out of my DS’s house.  That was a pretty unpleasant experience.  But I made it though it and it even looks right now like I’m going to make it to the other side.  Well let’s hope so. 

Don’t Wanna See Your Face, You Better Disappear
The most recent news that’s been happening to me of late is that my Dad, you know my Dad with

Dad can't sit up. DB is supporting Dad with his Body. While DS is taking Dad's temp.

Alzheimer’s Disorder (AD) is back in the hospital with pneumonia and a very bad UTI.  Of course UTI are known to make senior citizen’s very disoriented and appear really out of it.  Dad was all of these things.  But with a few days of antibiotics, he was back to his old self.  Now he’s keeping the staff at the hospital busy chasing him around all night until of course he is moved to a nursing home.   Which should happen in a day or two.  We’re all torn up about the decision, especially my DS, who is charged with the care of dad.  But it truly is time.  The family has gotten to a point where they cannot function and take care of Dad as well.  Mostly because we need to sleep at night and we not addicted to dysfunctional behavior.  At least not all of us.  But that’s another blog, as they say. 

The Fire’s In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
We’re all worried about how Dad will take the move.  Dad is nearly at a place where he won’t notice.  Where he currently lives most of the time he is in a dream world; where occasionally we the members of our family step in and out of the dream where Dad lives.  Dad sees people who aren’t there, he’ll tap you on the shoulder half expecting his hand to go right through you, like the midst he’s living in currently.  When you acknowledge his touch, Dad will smile with a surprised laugh.    And then he’ll start talking to someone who is not there.  It’s sad really, Dad can be so animated, that it’s hard to believe he is so ill.  But we know that he is very ill with AD.  And we all pray, in our own way, that the cure for AD is right around the corner.  Deep Breath…

So Beat It, Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
So tomorrow this time, there is a really good chance that Dad will be placed in a nursing home (Hopefully, not too far from where I live ((fingers crossed))).   So be a dear and keep your fingers crossed for our family that we make it through this next very painful step we’re in the midst of taking.  A few prayers would be welcomed as well. 

You Better Run, You Better Do What You Can
What’s been going on with me?  Well, glad you asked.  I’ve been working in a call center in the evenings.  It’s a nice job if you’re not looking for a challenge.  Truthfully, I’m just happy to be working!!!!  I’ve made a few good friends where I work.  The things that connect us are, our ages, our trials, and our tribulations.  We hang out at break time.  Just a short fifteen minute break.  Where we bring a snack, and share a few insights, laugh at each other and what not.  We’re all women between the ages of 50 and 65 years of age.  And there’s one guy in the same age group whom I’ve decided is studying us for a new docudrama he’s dreaming up.  He finds the way we relate to each other interesting.  huh.  That’s a new one.  Most times, middle age women just fade into the wood work.  So we’re all very amused with our audience. 

Don’t Wanna See No Blood, Don’t Be A Macho Man
Where  I work, most of the call center floor is filled with kids between ages 17 and 25 years of age.  My group of friends are dinosaurs compared to these kids.  But like cream, we all rose to the top of the call center numbers, and we dominate the top numbers.  All of us in my group we’re caught off guard by our current “recession/depression” depending on how you see it.  We all have carried respectable jobs in real industries in the past and find ourselves irreverent to the current job market.  So now we’re all working in the call center industry currently until the job market opens up again

You Wanna Be Tough, Better Do What You Can
What will I do next?  I dunno, but if there’s an open position for beach bum, I’m all over it!!    But I’ll probably go back to being a program manager for a local company in Kennedy Space Center, if I’m lucky.   What happened to my nursing dreams?  Well, I started working in a corporation again, and I’m reminded how much I loved my old job of Marketing Program Manager.  I think I’ll expand my skill set to include engineering program management by taking some new classes.  And I think I’ll return to my first love.  At least for the time being until the world ends in 2012.  (That’s a joke, don’t cha know.)  No, the worlds not going to end in 2012, but the polar axis just might shift.  We’ll see if there is any significance to that date at all.  Mother Earth is going through a change and it won’t hurt if you are prepared for a change of surroundings. 

So Beat It, But You Wanna Be Bad
There is sooo much I want to share with you about what’s been going on in my life.  So many words, so little time.  I promise to fill you in as we move through time.  Wishing you well on your journey. 

Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It
No One Wants To Be Defeated
Showin’ How Funky Strong Is Your Fight
It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Wrong Or Right
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It
Just Beat It, Beat It

Many Thanks to MJ for the use of his lyrics to “Beat It“.

Brahms’ lullaby

Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight
Hi!  I’ve been away for awhile.  Life was just turned up to TURBO speed where my Father with Alzheimer’s Disorder (AD)  is concerned.  I hardly have the time to write any longer.  But I’m fiercely determined to continue blogging.  So where I can sneak in a minute or two, I’ll do so and we’ll see where it takes me. 

With lilies o’er spread is baby’s wee bed
Dad is napping right now.  He’s worn out because he was busy keeping every one awake all last night, wandering around the house asking where the bathroom might be.  I’m only letting him take a quick, short, 30 minute nap so he will still sleep tonight.  Just enough to refresh him.  I’m a big believer in naps, as I try to take one short nap every day in the afternoon.  I must say it does wonderful things for me. 

Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Recently I’ve moved out of my DS’s house and into my own apartment.  It’s quite a wonderful feeling having my own place again.  No kids, no husbands to serve.  I’m really lovin it!  Sorry all you jealous women out there.  Of course I do take care of my Dad eight (8) hours a day, 4 days a week.  That is quite the challenge.  But it gives DS some space to do her job and keep her business running. 

Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed
Just to recap, Dad is working through both Prostrate Cancer and AD right now.  Dad has probably had AD for at least 10 years now and we’re guessing that he’s just entering into stage 2 of the disease.    My DS is my father’s official caretaker, I’m just a sister who’s here to help her, the primary caretaker.  We’re very fortunate because Dad has remained quite functional these last ten years.  As a hospice volunteer, I’ve seen people with AD that couldn’t speak, walk or even feed themselves from the very first onset of the disease.  Dad is quite functional.  Only his memory has betrayed him so far. 

Lullaby and good night, thy mother’s delight
Lately, Dad’s Prostrate issues have caused him some pain.  He was in the hospital overnight because he couldn’t urinate (pee) because his prostrate was enlarged.  The Urologiest taught me how to catherize my Dad to help him relieve himself.  I don’t mind doing it because I’ve been considering going back to school to become an RN for a while now.  So Dad requires this procedure three (3) times a day.  Which he never remembers me doing (gratefully).   Well my brake is over, so I’ve got to go.  Until tomorrow!

 

Many Thanks to Brahm’s for the beautiful lullaby

Sundowners

Well this evening was a busy one.  I went to my Community Band rehearsal.  My Dad with Alzheimer’s Disorder (AD), my sister and her hubby went out to dinner with friends.  We all arrived home about 10 pm.  Just in time for Dad’s latest Sundowners episode.  We’re still learning about Sun Downers Syndrome.  And we’re not quite comfortable with handling it. 

Here’s a definition of Sundowners Syndrom from WISE GEEK:  “Sundowners syndrome, also known as sundowning, is a condition often associated with the early stages of Alzheimer’s, although a definitive connection has not been made. Sundowners syndrome can also be considered a mood disorder or even a sleep disorder. Sufferers experience periods of extreme agitation and confusion during the late afternoon or early evening hours, leading to irritability towards caregivers or hospital staff. It was once believed that sundowners syndrome was a result of missed day/night light cues, hence the sudden onset at sundown. Current research points towards more organic causes such as drug interactions or stress associated with lower cognitive function.” cont

“Caregivers and nursing homestaff members can often anticipate an elderly patient’s bout of sundowners‘ syndrome. A period of irrational thoughts and irritable behavior might begin after the last meal of the day and last until bedtime, for example. One theory concerning sundowners‘ syndrome is that the constant daily mental processes for normal living can become overwhelming for the elderly during evening hours. They simply have too much incoming information and their restricted cognitive abilities become overloaded. The result is a period of irritability and negative thoughts.”

Dad is going around asking everyone where his car keys are.  He is punching the walls and demanding we give him the keys to the car.  We each in our own way, try to calm Dad down.  We can’t give him the car keys, we’d be responsible for any vehicular death caused by Dad driving in this confused state.  Not to mention what would happen to Dad. 

Finally we convinced Dad that he lost the keys, and that it would take a few days to replace them.  We also took his blood sugar and it was 297 – very high.  Apparently dinner was a little too rich for Dad.  Consequently we gave Dad additional insulin to compensate for the high blood sugar.  Now it’s just a matter of time for him to come down. 

I can see you asking yourself…Is Sundowners’ Syndrome cause by high blood sugar?  Well the jury is still out on that question.  However, Dad’s new Neurologist does agree that High Blood Sugarcan make Sundowners worst.  So we try to keep the blood sugar even keel as much as possible. 

Right now Dad is still trying to convince me to drive him to Chicago where he lives.   It’s going to be a long, stressful night.

We’re Family, Me and You!

Hey Gang, It’s December 18th and tomorrow is my 51st birthday!  Thought I should share that with you!  I dunno why, may because as I get up in years people make less and less of a fuss about you.  It could be the selfish part of myself talking. 

Update on me:  My Dad went into the hospital again last weekend with pneumonia.  My sister and I had a horrific fight during the hospital stay, not about Dad, we were both sleep deprived and raw after being in the hospital all night watching the staff restrain our father.   Dad was mis-behaving in the hospital and refused to be admitted.  It was a terrible scene to watch.  Dad was delusional most of the time and was imagining that he was being taken as a prisoner of war or being tackled as a running back with the Chicago bears.  Neither of these things actually ever happened to him, but with alzheimers, the disease actually re-writes part of their memory.  So what was true gets mixed in with stuff that never happened.  Dad was in the Korean was – was never taken as prisoner of war, and played running back in Highschool, but was drafted before he could go to college.  He returned to college when he returned from Korea.  The Chicago Bears are Dad’s favorite football team.

I found the experience of watching my father being restrain and medicated into oblivion very distressful.  And inhumane.  My friend, D. Who used to be a nurse assistant explained to me what it was best for the patient.  It was a safety issue.  Additionally the staff called Social Services on us, because I didn’t want my father restrained.  My sister may never forgive me, for Social Services being called.  She felt it was a stamp of White Trash.  I shrugged my shoulders because I knew she only felt that way because of the judgment she placed on me, all the times my ex-husband called social services on me, with my son.  Just another fun thing single mothers have to go through unnecessarily. 

I’ve started a new job, as a Marketing Representative for a local promotion company.  I sell advertising.  This is a reason my blogs have slowed down somewhat.  I’ve been busy pet sitting and working the new job at the same time.  Busy, very busy.  But it’s all good. 

Last night while I was working, a hugh spider appeared here where I am pet sitting.  I don’t know what kind of spider it was, but I’m guessing it was a wolf spider.  It was as big as my hand.  Since it wasn’t poisonous, I let the cats play with it.  Don’t worry, they didn’t have a chance to kill it.  Here’s a pic for you.   Sorry my digital camera doesn’t take good pictures of tiny insects or spiders.  Interesting that the spiders eye reflected the camera flash.    I guess I’ll have to get one of those fancy cameras to take pictures of all the cool bugs they have here in Florida.  Unlike anything I’ve ever seen any where else in the country.  Here’s another pic (right), I pulled off the Internet of a spider I see all the time outside, when I walk the dog.  It’s called a spiny orb weaver.  Isn’t it cool?  It looks a little like a crab doesn’t it.  I find all these little creatures fascinating. 

Anyhow, that’s my story and I’m going to stick with it.  Good talking with you again.  Stay cool, the world is always going to try and drag you down.  Luv, You!

18 million voters and no where to call home.

TGIF!!!  Today went smoothly, Dad went to the Senior Center and had a good time.  We still have Doozer visiting us.  And I got slimed again tonight.  (He drools a lot.)  

Caitlyn, had her hair done today and we even have a pic to show you!!  

Dad and Caitlyn watching the Presidential Debate together….

Actually all the dogs watched the presidential debate with Dad and I.  Dad and I played “Keep Away” from the pups.  When they caught the toy we were playing with, they got a treat.  Everyone was trying to get in on the game but our big winner was Hanna.  Hanna was on top of her game.  But Doozer did catch the toy a few times too.  It was a good exercise for Dad, it helped him to stay alert.  When I debrief the dogs  (most of whom are older females, I might add) they had very good comments on the debate.  I asked Maggie what she thought of McCain and she gave a big yawn and rolled over.  Hanna (Pic, above), after I mentioned the name McCain, she said rooser, rooser (rhymes with boozer and starts with an L).  I raised my eyebrows and said REALLY, very interesting.  Then, I asked Caitlyn (Pic above right w/ Dad) what she thought about the debate and she said she thought both candidate had good groomers.  Is that so Caitlyn.  Caitlyn also thinks Marilyn did a great rendition of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President…”  
 

Well, I asked my Dad what he thought and he said he loved McCain.  I asked why and Dad went on about how he was in WWII fighting for the US ….?  Note to self:  hm, mmmm. 

To me for the first time I had a chance to hear Obama and I liked his presentation.  McCain came off as being a little pompous.  

All I know is I CANNOT wait to read this Other blog tomorrow.  It is the best political blog ever!!!   

Post Debate Thread: Beautiful theories destroyed by Ugly facts

This blog has a very good ideas and I usually agree with most of them.  (The blog has a number of contributing writers, Most of whom….liked Hillary. )  I mean catch the vision…. imagine our country being run by a seasoned, intelligent, women.  Well, what’s 18 million votes suppose to do, after their candidate loses the Democratic nomination??  We’re homeless now, that’s all I know.  What’s a girl to do.