California Dreamin

 

All the leaves are brown (all the leaves are brown)
Wow! it’s been over 10 days since I last posted.  I’ve had the flu, and I’m not completely over it.  I thought I might have lost my mojo for writing, but I guess it was just the exhaustion the flu brings.  I feel better now. 

and the sky is gray (and the sky is gray).
Recently, I’ve really been feeling overwhelmed with the task of taking care of Dad.  Somewhere a long the way, it stopped being fun and became more of a drudgery.  I feel bad about this, because my dad deserves better than this.  But now I understand why some people put their parents in homes almost from the beginning.  Once they lose their humanity and begin to reason like children, it’s very hard to continue to care for them.  I think I let myself get too close to the situation.  It’s easier if you keep your distance.  Today, my family and I – all the caretakers went to a support group for caretakers of Alzheimer’s Disorder patients.   I just felt raw afterwords.  It was like opening a wound to cleanse it.  I don’t know how this will all end.  I hope as a family we will help dad find his path in the most dignified and loving way possible. 

I’ve been for a walk (I’ve been for a walk)
Right now, I’m watching a movie on HBO “The namesake”.  I just love this movie about an Indian family moving to and integrating into our American society.  It’s very interesting to me.  I don’t know why, it just is.  Every nationality who has made the journey to America has had to make the difficult transition to becoming an American.  I like any other voyeur enjoy watching the way different families express themselves in this important process. 

on a winter’s day (on a winter’s day).
I know when the Irish (my ancestors)  made their way to freedom in America it was just as foreign and just as different.  We came with all the baggage any other country might bring.  Our stories, our prayers, our strange customs, and yet we made it as Americans, just the same.  God is good. 

I’d be safe and warm (I’d be safe and warm)
I’ve always had a strange fascination with the Eastern Indians, I do hope to make a pilgrimage in their country one day.  Perhaps spend a few months in an ashram.  We’ll see.  I can dream can’t I? 

if i was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.).
Additionally, I love Eastern Indian food as well.  I love their stories, their lessons about life and I think the richness they bring with them to American, blesses us all as well.  My favorite god is Lord Ganesha, he has the head of an elephant with a mouse at his feet.  There is no problem too big or too small for Lord Ganesha. 

California Dreaming (California dreamin‘)
And yet, I realize my thoughts on India are only a fantasy, I really know nothing about East Indians or their culture.  I have no Indian friends.  I only know enough to get me in serious trouble in a conversation.  And so I leave my fantasy behind and continue walking forward. 

on such a winter’s day!
In my fantasy today, I wonder if I’d ever have the heart to leave my Dad with his Alzheimer’s disorder and my sister, C and brother in law E to care for him.  I think now, no, I could never do it.  But if I did, how would I do it?  Would I leave in the middle of the night with a short note saying, …I had to leave in order to live my life.  Or  would I accept a job in California and proclaim that my career is calling me away??  What to do, what to do… 

California Dreamin‘
And yet, I know I’m too much of a coward to do either.  I could not leave my family alone and abandon in their time of need.  No, and not that I’ve never done such a thing either. . . I have, in my youth.  But now that I understand life and how it defines us, I know I must be here for my Dad in his time of need.  The only thing we truly have in this life is to show how we love each other.  It’s the only thing that truly defines us as humans and as spirits. 

Many Thanks to the Beach Boys for their lyrics to California Dreamin’.